The Only Thing Harder Than Arriving? Leaving.
I’m not the sensitive emotional type. I never cry at weddings. I hate romantic comedies. I think that pictures of babies in flower pots should be considered cruelty. I don’t save souvenirs, birthday cards, or mementos.
As I pack up to leave the field, I’m experiencing this strange sensation- emotion. Everything I do is taking on a new meaning (”this may be the last…”). I’m hyper-sensitive to the uniqueness of the sights and smells. I have a new-found desire to take it all in, to enjoy my final moments here.
It might just be coffee with milk, but you can’t get anything like it in the U.S. I’m watching the European league soccer finals on TV here, yet I feel so close, so involved. I don’t want to lose that. The man at the kebab shop. The cashier at the store. My friends, neighbors, and the familiar strangers I see in the city every day. I don’t want to forget them.
So I’m taking it all with me. I’m taking pictures of mundane things like street signs, sunsets, rooftops, and advertisements. (I actually stole a menu from my favorite coffee shop!)
As I go, I’m wondering whether it’s made a difference at all that I’ve been here. I don’t imagine that the city will be any different after I’ve left. But all of the things that were so strange to me when I came here now seem to mean so much.
I’m mourning the loss of what was my life in Western Europe.
Unless writing a lot makes one a "writer," Ernest is an unemployed former missionary. After more than six years in Western Europe, he is moving to Portland, where he drinks too much coffee and over-analyzes human behavior. For more about Ernest, visit the About page where you can read a long-time reader's interview with him. Or, if you don't mind waiting a very, very long time, send him an email.
May 16th 2008
I remember those feelings from when we left Senegal, and am preparing for them again when we leave here. It’s such an odd feeling - caught between wanting to hold on to every bit and also completely ready to let it go.
Thanks for th reminder to appreciate it now, before it becomes bittersweet.
May 16th 2008
Stepchild:
The most important difference is that you are different. The Lord used your time in Europe to change you into someone more attune to what is really important. Following His will, His voice and seeing those around you (wherever that is) through HIs eyes. You’ll take that with you when you leave.
What remains….well, that’s God’s responsibility for He is the Lord of the Harvest. Your job was just to prepare the field, remove the rocks, sow, plant, water, rake up the soil and wait on Him.
May the Lord comfort you as you make this big transition.
May 16th 2008
Stepchild,
I have been following your blog for a long while and have always appreciated your insight. When we left the field last year (after 9 years) and returned home, we have found ourselves missing the very things you mentioned in your post.
When you get home, be ready for it all over again. And it isn’t like STAS; there, you always had the sense you were headed back. I find myself falling into the very things that I said I would never do, if I ever lived back in the States.
Pray hard; for the return is as hard as leaving…
God bless you bro.
Rick (Nomad4God)
May 16th 2008
Stepchild….
You and I are much alike. I did the same thing when we left Spain and went back to the US. It drove my wife crazy….”just one more cafe con leche”….Enjoy these last few days. Drink as many cortados as you can handle, walk along the med. and take it all in. The adventure that llies ahead is going to be fast, take unexpected turns and go places you never thought imaginable. The good news is that he’s been preparing you for it all along.
Drink a cortado for me!
May 17th 2008
Stepchild: I too have been following your blog for a few years as you know, and I respect your decision while feeling that the IMB and your particular mission field will be all the poorer for it. I have read and appreciated your honesty, sharing your questions and struggles.
Just from reading your blog I don’t blame those who are issuing invitations to you as I am sure like me, it would be great to meet you and sit down to talk further on many things you have written on this blog.
May 18th 2008
Thank you all for being so kind. I’m really encouraged by your words.
Rick (Nomad),
I wondered what happened to you. I suppose I should have written. I know that the American worldview is going to suck me back in, but I’m going to fight it!
Camel Rider,
Done and done!
Debbie,
Thanks for the invitation. You know, I am going to be in Oklahoma this summer…